Gulf Coast Family

By Jim Burns, PH.D.

My mom probably never read a parenting book in her life. She was married to an alcoholic, and her father died of cirrhosis of the liver. Life was not easy for her, but somehow she discovered how to create a home environment filled with affection, warmth and encouragement (A.W.E.).

My mom set the tone for our home. She could have chosen to be negative and critical, but instead she chose to be welcoming and nurturing even in the midst of trying times. She didn’t have a fake Pollyanna attitude. She was intentional about creating an inviting and loving atmosphere in our home.

I remember friends who came to our house and asked my mom, “Is Jim here?” She’d tell them I was gone, and then they’d ask, “Can I come in and hang out with you?” Mom listened to their stories for hours, usually placing a large plate of homemade cookies and tall glasses of milk in front of them. My kids called her the “party-time Grandma.” What a woman! I miss her very much now that she’s passed away.

My mom taught me that a home filled with A.W.E. is a home that will be a safe and secure place to live. At almost every age, children go through stages of testing your authority as well as trying out their judgment and independence. While there’s not much you can do to change how your child tests your limits, you can change the ways you respond to your kids. As a parent, you can develop this sense of affection, warmth and encouragement with your children by following these three principles:

1. Show Lots of Affection:

A recent study from UCLA revealed it takes eight to ten meaningful touches a day for a person to thrive. Kids need a lot of appropriate and loving touch. If they don’t receive it from their parents, as they get older, they may try to find a false sense of love through inappropriate forms of affection. Even if your parents didn’t show lots of affection to you, get past it and be the transitional generation who brings affection to your children. Mom was never shy about telling me she loved me. She loved to hug. Sure, as I entered my teen years, I was sometimes a bit embarrassed by her physical expression of affection in front of my peers. But I never once doubted she loved me.

2. Fill Your Home with Warmth:

At times, all relationships experience at least some low-level anger and frustration. Let’s face it, when one imperfect person marries another imperfect person and they have offspring, life is bound to get messy at times. However, homes that thrive are homes where someone rises above the conflict and intentionally rings warmth. This doesn’t mean you repress or ignore the issues in your family. But attitude is everything. How you respond to your children and to situations does make a difference.

My mom’s life wasn’t easy, but she chose to provide an environment of warmth. Her philosophy was to “celebrate everything.” Everyone who came in contact with her felt like they were the honored guest at a party given as a tribute just for them. However, there’s a fine line between discipline and grace. We need to do both parenting principles well. But even in the midst of being consistent with your discipline, it’s possible to be proactive in bringing warmth to relationships. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but your attitude can make all the difference in the world.

3. Provide Tons of Encouragement:

A home filled with tension, criticism and negativity shuts down intimacy and closes your child’s spirit. A home filled with affirmation and encouragement opens their spirit and helps them thrive. Many people were raised on “shame-based” parenting practices. Their parents tried to get them to obey through guilt and shame. If you’ve experienced this parenting philosophy, then you know it doesn’t work very well and often produces rebellion. On the other hand, when a parent finds reasons to encourage her children daily, her kids will have a better self-image and become more confident. Your home ought to be the one place your kids feel truly affirmed and safe.

My mom disciplined me when she needed to, but the overwhelming feeling I received from her was encouragement. Her final words to me were a blessing that will stay with me for a lifetime. She looked at me, smiled and said, “Jimmy, I love you, and I’m proud of you.”

Practicing A.W.E. is about making a decision to be intentio nal in the way you build a positive atmosphere in your home. It takes work and self-discipline to practice A.W.E. in the midst of life’s craziness. One person can change the tone of the home. At least that’s my mom’s story. She could have chosen a more negative approach, but she made a conscious decision to choose the path of A.W.E. And I am so grateful for her influence.

The A.W.E. To-Do List for Confident Parents

Adapted from Confident Parenting by Dr. Jim Burns (Bethany House Publishers)

Say "I love you."

Remind your kids every day that you love them. The positive reinforcement and verbal reminder of unconditional love will give your children the ability to go on even during tough times. And it will help them to say "no" to temptations.

Show physical affection.

Meaningful touches and hugs, kisses and even high-fi ves bolster a young person's self-image. A real sense of security, self-worth and meaning comes from appropriate affection.

Listen.

When your kids know you're really listening to them, they'll sense how signifi cant they are to you. Listening is the language of love.

Use eye contact.

Don't forget how important body language and eye contact are in letting your children know you care. When your eyes are focused on them, you show your heart is focused on them as well.

Pray daily.

A daily time of prayer with your children helps them grasp how important God is in their lives. Prayer time should be a warm, loving part of children's lives.

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Dr. Jim Burns is the president of HomeWord and his radio broadcast can be heard daily at 2:30 PM on WKES Moody Radio 91.1 FM. Dr. Burns has authored several award-winning books. Communicating with Affection, Warmth and Encouragement was adapted from his book, Confident Parenting (Bethany House Publishers, 2007). You can purchase a copy of Confident Parenting from www.HomeWord.com, Amazon.com or most anyplace where good books are sold. Jim currently lives with his wife and three daughters in Southern California.